Shooting in Connecticut and Matters Arising in the Nigerian Families
in the US – By Paul Omoruyi
The grotesque and senseless killing of 20 innocent kids at an
elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut in the United States is
something every parent dread daily in the US.
Early reports already show that the shooter's parents were divorced
since September 2009 and the mother had custody of the shooter.
The mother had exposed the shooter to guns!
With the unprecedented divorce rate in the Nigerian community in the
US, Nigerian families in the US are increasingly becoming engrossed in
all the family related patterns and miasma leading to these kinds of
incidents.
Early this year, I wrote an article in an African Abroad newspaper
that was widely published in the New York area. This writer has been
disturbed for some time now about the state of the Nigerian marriage
and family in the United States. Below is the original article:My
phone rang. It was a call from my buddy that we started life together
in the US. We talked about those early days when we just immigrated.
Those are the days that will remain etched in our minds and indelible
in our memories. Like so many Nigerians, we worked and went to college
full time non-stop for many years concurrently as if we were machines.
The impetus to achieve the American dream and not disappoint our
families was the catalytic enzyme running through our veins. Till this
day, westill cannot fathom how we did it. But we did anyway.
It's one of those kinds of experience that you can only say "if not God".
We were in our twenties with all the Adrenaline and testosterones
running wild. The stories of Nigerian men that have been messed up by
"child support" because they got married to "akata" were sufficient
enough for us to respect ourselves and control our sexual drives. My
friend would always say "I go just die or go back to Naija than for me
to find myself in a child support situation. Akata no go fit cook
Naija food and then she go come still take me to child support? Over
my dead bodi". These concerns (or should I say fear?) were reasons my
buddy didnot go into any relationship with some of his college female
friendswho were not Nigerians. He wanted a Nigerian woman as a wife so
they can speak pidgin English together, eat Egusi and Okro soup
yanfuyafu (otherwise with Akata wife, na Burger King go kill am!). It
was all too commona joke back in the days.
Many years have since passed. My guy is married now with a
degreeattached to his name and has a middle-class job. Obviously, you
can say he's living the American dream. As we reminisced and laughed
about those Kodak moment days, in a split second unguarded moment, he
suggested that there was nothingspecial anymore about getting married
to a Nigerian woman in the US. "They are now even worsethan the so
called akata", he said. The comment struck me and I pushed a little
for him to elucidate. I listened in awe as he told me what he's
experiencing athome. While he poured his heart to me, he kept asking
me "do you think say Akata or even Caribbean woman go behave like
that"? Apparently, it appears his expectations have been dashed.
One that struck me most was the story of a young Nigerian teenagegirl
living in the shelter. Her Nigerian parents are now divorced.
According to her, her parents' marriage broke after her mother
systematically stopped cooking for the family, became increasingly
narcissistic and disrespectful to her dad.
As if that was not enough, her dad was infuriated when he discovered
that her mom had secretly boughta piece of property in Nigeria without
his knowledge. Two years later, the parents divorced. Unfortunately,
the young lady became pregnant while still in high school. "I just
could not stand my mom and live with her. If my parents were still
married, I would not have fallen for this stupid crap", she was quoted
as saying, as tears rolled down her eyes.
Although I understand that these narratives might be loop-sided but it
seems to typify what most Nigerian men are complaining about lately
behind closed doors.
There are numerous cases of marital fuss and upheaval that have
permeated Nigerian families in the US in recent years. Some people say
it is the American culture shock that is rocking the boat of
traditional Nigerian family structure in the US.
Others claim that it is Nigerian women narrow-mindedly over stretching
the American provisions.
While some lay blame on Nigerian men refusing to wake up to the
realities of the disparities between the American and Nigerian
approach to marriage.
It is heartbreaking to hear a Nigerian man refer to his wife as my
"baby mother" and a Nigerian woman says my "baby father". Just some
couple of years ago, this was a taboo terminology in the Nigerian
marriage. It was actually used to surreptitiously mock the so called
"akata".
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